MY LIFE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN & IT'S OKAY |
Did your life ever seem picture perfect, but then it all came crumbling down? Well, that's exactly what has been happening to me. It seems like nothing lately has been going right and that everything I once wanted or had was just taken away from me in an instant. Every time I have a glimmer of hope that it was going to get better - it seemed to fade into darkness just as quickly as it appeared. Not only is my personal life just turned upside down, it seems like every little thing is just a mess- literally feeling like I'm losing everything... including myself.
When I recently turned 25 - I went in thinking wow, this is going to be the best year yet! I had so many plans and expectations of what would happen. Now they are all gone. I've always been the girl with a plan and always stuck to it. I think that is also a key reason why I was so let down by everything. This has taught me that you can't plan your life or your future and it can literally change in a blink of an eye. That I needed to start living for today.
This time of my life has taken me to my past where I felt the same kind of feeling - like everything was going the opposite way I planned and that things were just getting worse. But, I realized during that time I made it through and there was a reason for it... just like I know I will get through this time. I realized that the girl who I was when I was 16 and pregnant was much stronger than the woman I am at 25. I use to be the girl who didn't care what anyone thought, I knew what I was doing was right and wouldn't let anyone bring me down, and when someone disrespected me ONCE - I told them where to go. However, I realized that girl was slowly fading away. That I started being consumed with other people's thoughts of me and I didn't always listen to myself. I didn't set my own limits. This situation I have been going through has opened my eyes to this change in myself that I really don't like.
I know when your going through a hard time - you just become so hard on yourself. I constantly keep asking myself "WHY ME?" ... "WHAT DID I DO?" ... "WHY CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK?".... I'm constantly trying to find out the reason. Constantly comparing my life to others around me - not understanding why they got it so easily. Also, everyone will literally tell you " everything will be okay"... "everything happens for a reason"... "you're strong you can make it through everything"..."you have been through worse"..."it's just another obstacle for you to tackle"... and honestly it was making me even more annoyed to hear those comments. I keep asking myself- why do I always have to go through obstacles to get what I want? Why do I always have to be the strong one? Why does shit keep happening to me?
Some may not understand why I am still upset, why I haven't let go... but I'm allowed to be angry, sad, a mess.. the only way to get through it properly is to let yourself go through all the feels.
But, honestly .. I have realized I probably won't find out why this happened until time has passed... or maybe I'll never find out and that's okay. Maybe this whole disaster is actually a beautiful lesson? Maybe.. it simply to help me get to where I want or to help me grow ... maybe it's simply happening to help me find myself again and who I truly am. I know that in the past when god would turn my life upside down that it was actually for the better- so, what makes this time any different?
Not everyday is going to be easy - trust me. I am going through the roller coaster of emotions as each second passes a new wave of feelings pass through. I go from being okay to being a total mess. This is where I'm so lucky to have my beautiful daughter. She is so strong. She is way stronger than I ever was. Her strength got me through such a dark time in my life before and now she is getting me through this. When I was pregnant, I felt her little kicks and punches - it reminded me to be strong and to fight. Now, she is here and still just as feisty - reminding me to keep fighting and not to let anything bring me down. I honestly always questioned why I got pregnant at 16 the way I did and why that situation happened. But, today after 7 years I got another answer to why. She came to be my strength and my motivation to be strong. It's funny as a mom you think you will always be picking up your kids when they fall - but turns out they end up picking you up many times as well.
When I look at her or get a little message telling me how much she loves me- I know everything will be okay. I know her and I will be perfectly fine and that no matter what happens we have each other.
Right now may be tough- but her and I will always get through anything together. I know no matter how much life throws me down- I will get up for that little girl everyday.
So today I declare that this situation is now my motivation. I am going to continue to be a kick ass mother, an amazing compassionate woman who sees the good in people, and I'm going to start loving myself a little more. I'm going to create my own light instead of expecting someone else to. I'm going to grow and I'm going to be strong. I'm not going to expect others to fight for me - but instead I will fight for myself (and my daughter).
I know during this post I've been rambling and that maybe no one is even reading it. But, it feels so good to write and remind myself. I also hope maybe some how my posts will reach another woman or even a man who is going through a tough time - to show them they aren't the only one or to give someone the courage to say fuck it to a bad situation. Sometimes we think we are the only one and that's what makes it so difficult - but we need to realize someone out there is going through the exact same thing.
So, here's a reminder that ....Everything will be okay . We will all get through this. We are all strong enough. We are all enough. We need to love ourselves.
Until next time,
Alysia xo
