A LETTER TO MYSELF WHEN I WAS 16 & PREGNANT |
- Alysia H.
- Dec 11, 2017
- 7 min read
For those of you who know me, December is a bittersweet month. I love Christmas, all the festivities, the family time, the baking, and the decorating... and sometimes I even like the snow. However, this time also takes me back to nine years ago to a time where I was filled with negative emotions, anxiety, pain, and confusion. No matter how many years go by during this week of December I always feel a little emotional, a little angry, and hurt even if it's just for a moment. I won't get into details of what happened to me in December 2008, but I will say it was when I got pregnant. Another reason why this time is bittersweet is because I know that all the pain, disgust, hurt, and sadness I felt during that time was worth it because it brought me Mialyna. Mialyna is and will always be the best thing that happened to me regardless of the situation. However, I am human and sometimes I do wish it happened differently. My hope was that I would share my entire 16 and pregnant journey from my eyes- the emotion, the events, the details. However, I don't think I'm ready to release that post yet and I want to make sure it is written out in the best way possible before I through it into the blogsphere. But, I did want to do something to help me move past this period, make me feel a bit better, and give you some insight. Also, I want this post to be a reminder that if you went through or are going through a difficult time - it is not the end and you can get through it. I want this to be a reminder as well that you are allowed to feel hurt, reflect or be upset with certain circumstances. It's okay to feel that way as long as it doesn't define your everyday. So, today's post will be a letter to myself when I was 16 and pregnant- all the things I wish I could've told myself at one of my lowest points in my life. So, here we go....
Dear Alysia ,
Breathe. Everything's going to be okay - I promise.
I know you are confused, hurt, disappointed, and angry. You feel like your whole world was flipped upside down and you had no control. You feel like someone else took that control from underneath you and you feel helpless. That's okay, let yourself feel all the emotions. But, don't let them bring you down - let them give you the strength to move forward. Don't worry if you think it's impossible - it is possible and you will do this. I promise. Let your anger fire your determination to stand your ground on what you know is right and fuel your strength. I know your life feels out of control and you aren't sure what happened. You feel violated and feel stupid for falling for certain things. Don't! This is not your fault.
I need to tell you something though...
In a couple of days , he is going to leave you and the baby and will say and do some terrible things. I know, you will be scared,sad and even more angry. It's okay. Let him go. Don't worry about him. You and that baby deserve something so much more. I know it will hurt. But, he is leaving because you both deserve something so much better than this. God, wouldn't dream of letting you settle for this, because he knows what you are going to grow into and what that baby is worth. He knows that he isn't worthy for you both.
I know you got out of the hospital on the same day you found out you were pregnant. I know the doctors were convinced you were going to lose the baby or never be able to have children again. You felt hopeless, scared, and a loss of control again. But, look that wasn't true because this is a blessing in disguise. I know that your heart melted hearing the baby's heartbeat and helped you make the decision you needed to regardless of what anyone is saying. I also know that the only thing that is keeping you alive is that little one inside of you. It is the only reason you are eating, forcing yourself to sleep, and to continue breathing. I know part of you just feels dead, but this is just temporary. Just don't let go of that - you have to be strong for the baby. I know you are spending hours just holding your stomach and crying, because the only thing that makes you feel better is the little human inside you - that baby is the only strength you have. To be honest, that baby will continue to be your strength for years to come. But, pick yourself up - be strong, be happy and have faith- because everything will be okay. Don't let what he has done bring you down. Don't give him that.
I know you have fought everyone, their words and criticism so that you could have this baby.
Trust me, it is the right decision. That little voice, that feeling in your gut, those signs - they are all true. You are meant to have this baby. Everyone will come around - I promise. Your parents are there for you as well and they will continue to support you and be by your side. oh, and not to mention your sister will also be in your corner whenever you are down or things go south. So, don't worry.
I know some people have told you that you won't be able to accomplish your goals of finishing school, going off to university, getting a good job, etc. You fear you won't be enough for the baby, you won't be able to provide everything she deserves- this is not true. I know you are starting to doubt yourself and are scared that you won't be able to do it all. But, you will. You will not only do everything you hoped, but you will do more. That baby is going to always be your motivation and you will do whatever it takes to provide for her. Don't ever doubt yourself. You also have an amazing family that will support those dreams and ensure you are able to accomplish them for you and the little one. You are going to do it - you are going to prove everyone wrong.
I know you feel judged and feel like people are criticizing you when they don't know you and making assumptions about your situation. ( This is something that you will feel a lot even later). You will try to ignore the stares or the comments. Continue to do that. Don't let them bring you down, because when that baby looks up at you for the first time it will all be worth it. All the amazing memories and moments you two will share will be worth it. Her smile, her giggles, and just who she is will be worth it. Also, let go of what people think of you . Do it now - just don't care. Put the song your mom dedicated to you on repeat (Beautiful U R) it will get you through.
Not everything will be easy. You are going to go through some very difficult times. You are going to find out things soon that you wish weren't true. You are going to hear words that you never thought anyone would say. You will lose people in your life. You will be judged. You will be angry. You will be sad. You will be emotionally drained. But, eventually you will be sooo happy. It will all be worth it and you will get through. You will also make amazing memories, you will have a beautiful child, you will accomplish your goals, you will meet amazing people, and you won't lose out. The only thing you will lose is things and people that weren't meant to be in your life. This whole situation will make you grow up, mature, and put you in a different stage of your life - not everyone will get it, but those who do are the ones worth holding on to.
I know you feel like your plan has to totally change- but this isn't true. I know you feel he took away your happily ever after - this isn't true either. I know you wish things were different or he was a different man- this is out of your control, let it go. Everything happens for a reason, so just let it go.
These 9 months aren't going to be easy, even after it you will still have difficult days. Secrets will come out, people will be harsh, peoples opinions will be voiced. You will feel lonely, sad, and disappointed that this happened this way. What he did was wrong- all of it. Your family will also go through difficult times. There will be times where you all feel like you are breaking and never get a break. But, things will settle. This baby will be the happiness during bad times. I promise that eventually the number of good days will out number the bad ones. I promise. Remember that after a storm comes a rainbow. It will come.
At the end, you are going to have an amazing little girl. Yes, you are having a girl. She is going to be beautiful, funny, sweet, loving, and full of life. She is going to be amazing and soo soo strong. You are going to bring an amazing little girl into this world out of this terrible situation. It will be worth it. She is not only going to make you a better and stronger person, but she will have a positive impact on everyone around her. She will reunite your family and make the bond between all of you that much stronger. She will make you all laugh and smile during hard times. She will be the reason for everyone to keep going.
So, you can do it. You are going to get through everything that's going to be thrown at you the next little while. You are strong, you are worth it, and you made the right decision.
Always and Forever,
Alysia (2017)
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